The Remix

People deal with stress in all kinds of ways. 
Some do yoga. Some go for a walk. Some have a beer. Some binge on Netflix and Pizza.

Some shut.the.fuck.down.

I've been in a state of extreme stress (please don't ask why, I don't compare stressors in other's lives to the stressors in mine) for several weeks. I've shut down. 

The funny and pervasive thing about being depressed (yeah, for the first time in a long time - I can admit that I'm depressed and not put on a show for y'all) for me at least, is that I simultaneously STOP caring about some things and OVER care about still more. It's like a numbness around the edges and stabbing pain in the middle. I don't feel like I deserve love or kindness or compassion when I am deep down in this.

I've fought the urge to walk away from several major things in my life. Just quit. Done. Throw in the damn towel. No matter who it affected or hurt. 

​A little like this ---

But - well, instead of quitting everything - I'm going to look at it is as creating space for things that I need to take care of myself. It's going to involve ending some commitments and projects. It's going involve me saying "No thank you". It may look like I am being selfish. 

It's going to look like I'm more present with you. It's going to involve me asking how YOU are doing. It's going to be a challenge to create this space because I am very used to filling the space with REQUIREMENTS and not things I want to do. I'll be grateful for your kindness as I work on taking better care of myself.

So I'm going to start doing some things that give me joy. Frankly, I've got to figure some of that out again. 
I want to be around people who make me better and not make me doubt my worthiness.
I want to find ways to grow, I want to find my peace.