Be careful what you wish for.

Really. I mean, it's laughable sometimes.

Never one to be a wallflower, I've never been afraid of the spotlight (I mean I stand up in front of strangers and talk about sex & intimacy). I have zero issues with roles that require me to be in charge or speak in front of large groups of people. None. For some bizarre reason I feel completely at home in that spot.

Also - even fat, there was never a lack of attention from the opposite sex. I truly felt good about myself so I didn't really understand what was about to happen.

I lost about 1/2 of myself. And then this happened.

Come on that meme is funny. Right?

Honestly - I'm no fashion model, but I don't dress like it the 90's grunge era. I wear skirts and dresses and heels and fun stockings. I wear make up and fix my hair.

Let me be 100% clear. I do this for myself because caring for myself in this way makes    me feel good.

"Well, shit", is how I feel when I realize the amount of attention I am drawing to myself.

This is what I wore on Saturday. I had my aunt's milestone birthday party and a work party of my own in the evening to attend.

I love this outfit - not going to even feign that I don't know I look good here. This outfit is fantastic! I felt incredible in it all day.

I had a conversation with my Aunt about worthiness & parenting and the massive changes that have occurred in our society that support women to feel better about themselves. We spoke about how even in the short distance between our ages (she is turning 50 and I will be 40 soon) everything has changed. Remember my post about realizing I was allowed to like myself? That.

She said something about being proud of me.
Words that I won't forget.

I went to my work party and had a wonderful time. One customer's parting words were "You do important work". Yes. I do. It is so good to hear it out loud.

A really great band was playing less than a mile away from my house and damn if I wasn't ready for a cocktail and to hear some great music. But my self-doubt came knocking at my temple. "You're too dressed up to go there", "You'll draw attention to yourself", "People will think you're some goody two shoes"....on and on my brain spun.

I texted a friend. I needed someone to tell me to go despite my reservations. Friend said "go, you deserve to spend some time out by yourself"....and reluctantly I went.

I walked into this pub and exactly what I thought would happen, happened. Every single set of eyes was on me. I stood around for a moment to see if there was anyone I knew there.
Nobody. Shit.
The eyes followed.

Look over to the bar - SUCCESS!!! A friend of mine tends bar here and greeted me cheerfully. She set me up with something strong and I managed to find a place to stand and watch the band. Coat zipped up, drink in hand, crazy fishnet stockings and heels were the soup du jour.

I found a high top was emptying and approached it at the same time as 3 other women.
Two of them greeted me kindly, one was not happy to see me. One of the friendly women offered to get another chair for me which I declined but thanked her for. Her sour friend, in no uncertain terms informed me I was not to stand there because I was "too sexy".

Um - WTF?

I did see a couple I knew from High School on their way out of the establishment and we talked for a few minutes - which is when I became hot and had no choice but to unzip my coat and take my scarf off.

The eyes. Damn. I'm texting my friend nervously, I feel totally out of place and I feel like shit for being dismissed for no good reason. I was baffled.

They took off, an Englishman complimented me on my smashing stockings and I thanked him :)

Another group of 4 (2 men, 2 women) asked if they could share my table. I agreed. We had some laughs and one of the guys really hated that I was sitting and not dancing. But if you know me you know one thing - I will not shake it unless I have a decent amount of alcohol on board. I was not at that level.
But then one of my favorite 90s songs came on and I was like "F it" --- so I took him by the hand led him to the front of the dance floor where I proceeded to break down the house.
I completely let myself go - enjoy the moment - be this new butterfly that I guess I am - show my colorful wings - just being completely me for 4 minutes.

The look on his face - awe.

Woman who was dancing - "you are the Queen" - and she meant it.

That's right. I am.

Post Script:

I blogged this thinking I would never see this guy again. Then a funny thing happened. We've crossed paths with twice in the past couple of months.
It is clear he recognizes me but has no idea where from.

I kind of like that.
Wonder away.

I am most grateful for my fully functioning body.

I am deeply grateful for each of my senses.

I appreciate the wind in my face and the wild way it throws my hair around. I can look upon my loved ones & nature & art. From my bed, I can detect bacon being cooked in the kitchen & savor it's flavor after it has lured me from slumber.

I love to sing (badly) along to my favorite songs and look forward to the first faint notes of song birds returning home in the spring.

This is my son Riley at about 18 months old at an outdoor concert at Branbury State Park. 

 Riley is brilliant. Riley is creative. Riley is amazing. Riley is hearing impaired.

Everything I know about being an advocate, Riley has taught me.
Every single sound I appreciate and relish, I filter through a fine net of gratitude.

I very much appreciate my working, able, beautiful body.
I very much appreciate my wonderful son and what he is here to show me about ability, strength and perseverance.

I desire, wholeheartedly to feel less emotional discomfort. The energy I expend on worry is sickening.

Honestly, gross.

I know that I've come a hell of a long way in this department, but I have miles and miles to go.
I know that obsessive, one track thinking affects how I parent. When distracted from the worry-of-the-moment I can hear the irritation in my voice, feel the annoyance like a vibration coming off my body.
I can do better. I'm mindful of how I want to feel. I want to feel peaceful. I want a calm heart.

I suppose baby steps is what it takes. Mindfulness & baby steps.

Just like Bob. Baby steps to the elevator :)