Last week I bought my very very beautiful pictures and wrote a blog post.

Then I proceeded to have a little crisis.

A few hours after I posted the blog link to my Facebook I became extremely self-conscious.
The Stuck in Vermont piece was incredibly well received and I was overwhelmed with feedback about how brave I am/was to expose myself in that way.

Suddenly however, I felt extreme worry that continuing to talk about body positivity was starting to feel like The April Show. That was not my intent, and I'm very sensitive to the thought that I could be coming off as attention seeking.

So from my phone, laying in my bed late at night I hid that link to that blog post. And you know what, hiding it felt really shitty too. There was nothing I could do to mitigate that feeling.

Then this week, out of the clear blue --- just when I was feeling like I really needed to just shut up for a while and be more quiet about my life and journey (P to the S, I hate that fucking word "journey" - it's stupid and feels trite) some very peripheral people in my life sort of came out of the woodwork.

They messaged me for advice. They messaged me to tell me that what I have to say and what I put out into the world has made a difference in their life and how they treat themselves. The messaged me to say 'this is hard, but I'm going to keep trying'.

So ---

because of that, because people are watching, because even if it feels a little self indulgent to talk about myself --- I guess I'm going to keep doing it.

A couple of side notes:

1 - Body Pos is not strictly for large women. Body pos is for EVERYONE. Self awareness is too.

2 - I'm not 'cured' - I have bad days, but I put in the hard work to lessen the frequency of those bad days.

3 - If you're going to work on this then it's important to assess your level of personalization. If you're still paranoid and personalizing ALL THE THINGS, please check yourself. I will talk about this in depth - but for now, just try to be mindful.

I don't feel brave. I feel unencumbered. I feel honored to have a plethora of truly caring, interesting, just as messed up as me - people in my life.

I raised my virtual hand recently to volunteer as a model for a colleague's (Athena's Intimates & Zinfandel Photography) feature in a local alt newspaper video series called Stuck In Vermont with Eva Sollberger (who is fabulous BTW).

The minute I messaged Michael, I felt a twinge of doubt.
This was not something I knew I was ready to be all like "yeah, I'll do that" - no.
But wait...April is an impulsive thrill seeker.
This is exactly what April does.
And I was going to do it in a few months anyway, why not just shove it into a single week of prep and execution?

If you're my friend - you've most likely seen Eva's piece. But if you didn't here ya go:
http://www.sevendaysvt.com/vermont/the-rorks-boudoir-businesses-siv431/Content?oid=3166391

We furiously arranged schedules. We primped. We curled. We laughed & shared stories.
We pulled this thing together.

We did this.

Then we took these. Correction: Michael took these.

The second the piece went live (a friend messaged me to tell me it went up, I was at work) I became jittery with nerves.
I watched with squinty eyes as a few co-workers filled up my cup with kudos.

Remarkably, I didn't die.

Actually, I fell hard for that girl I watched become a less encumbered version of herself.
Because why they hell not.

100% liberated from shame about this body. 100% satisfied with my imperfect self.

100% as it should be.

The good will is palpable. The message clear.
We are here for a precious few years on this spinning sphere - we ain't got time for any more self deprecation.

YOU are beautiful, whatever packaging YOU come in. YOU are remarkably shiny - I can see you from here.

Thank you for seeing me.

A year ago (at around 6am on Groundhog Day) I sat in registration for my surgery when my phone rang  - then my husband's.

We had carefully set up the children to get themselves ready for school. My mother was going to pick them up and take them.
Clothes out, lists, lunches made, medicine out, hearing aids out, the whole nine.
Really - I was prepared.

So the phone. Oh yeah....so no school BTW - snow day. I quite literally laughed out loud, I mean really? Um...the plan is that my 11 year old and 12 year old will be in school.
Call the kids, tell them to go back to bed and *SOMEONE* will check on them in a couple of hours. (PS - I have the best friends. Amy, Jessica, and Leah stopped - unprompted - with treats for the kids as a rouse to check on them over the course of the day. I honestly could not have asked to know better people. I am surrounded by amazing humans.)

Checking off boxes - children, they're alive and fine, the door is locked and they will be okay. Okay. Not panicking. Not.panicking.

Fast Forward a few minutes : I'm in a jonny, IV in place, playing on my phone when the *squeek*squeek*squeek*  of my surgeon's shoes bring me back to reality. He made it, roads aren't too bad. We're going to do this - and I'm okay.

So what happens next? A whole bunch of anatomical shit - surgery stuff. You can read about what actually happened to my body here:

http://www.obesityhelp.com/forums/vsg/about_vertical_sleeve_gastrectomy.html

I spent HOURS in recovery. Not normal. I was horrifically sick to my stomach...my new...just barely made very much smaller stomach. Over the course of 3ish hours I was given all the medicine they could "legally" give me. I was pretty much going to feel really really badly until the anesthesia wore off.

I spent a couple of days in a room with two different roommates, see also : hell.
I really never wanted to go home so much in my entire life.

Home is so good.
So so so so so good.
I was really over the moon to be there. I rested, I resisted - but then took - my drugs, I watched TV and sipped on water.
I was showered with love from my friends and family. Dawn came and vacuumed my rugs (I'm a little neurotic about vacuuming), Jamie and Cora visited and gave me an excuse to get dressed. Amy stopped by - as well as so many others who either came by for April Time or checked in with me often. My Mom took me to my stylist Kristin Ploof, who very slowly washed my hair (post surgery grooming is the worst) and gave me a gorgeous blow out.

I hit a wall around week 3 - sort of "buyers remorse" - this part sucks. It does. I had a lot of people in my corner reminding me it was gonna get better soon.
It did get better.

I got better.

I coached a Girls on the Run team and ran a 5k just 4 months after they placed 7 incisions in my belly and changed my insides.

I got really strong.

I learned how to be a different version of myself. Though, still myself.

I have had to exert an enormous amount of compassion for myself, and this process. I am learning how to do that better all the time.

There's less of me - yet somehow I am larger than life.
I used to tell myself that I could do anything.
But now I know it.

This has been an AMAZING year. I could not have predicted the wonderful, awe inspiring, adventuresome things I would do with my life in this short amount of time. I am utterly grateful for this chance to be 100% me.

I still love the stuffing out of this girl.

2/1/2015
47"/50"/60.5"

1/1/2016
38.5"/40.5"/49"