slip

I'm stuck.

I did not plan for getting stuck. I don't have studded snows, or kitty litter or tire chains.
I don't have a winch. I do not have 3 linebackers in my back seat.

When I was legit fat (pre-surgery) I understood my place in the hierarchy of atheistics. I was allowed to be pretty and somewhat attractive but I was firmly ensconced in the Such A Pretty Face world. It's all I knew. I didn't like it most of the time, but it's how I understood life. 

I was losing weight at a good clip for months on end in 2015. Cruising through sizes as the number of the scale dropped and dropped. I struggled to accept that reality too.

After one of the toughest months in years (September 2016) and 9 months of sitting at a desk 40 hours a week (new job) I managed to gain 10-15 pounds. The shame I feel is overwhelming. What's funny is that I actually feel more shame for feeling shame about it. What the fuck? Who does this to themselves?

My 'right now' body is the body I longed to have for years and years. I looked at women who were a 14/16 and envied them more than the size 6/8s. Maybe because it was never in my belief system that I could be any smaller than that.

So here I am. Spinning my wheels. Knowing what I need to do and feeling impotent. Knowing that if I'm going to continue down this path it's going to get harder before it gets easier. Knowing that my value as a human being has ZERO to do with weather I gain or lose a few pounds. But the question remains....how to I make myself believe?
How do I summon the line bakers out of the backseat to push me out of this embankment?

I am more verbally self critical than I have EVER been. It pains me when Ella asks me not to speak in such ways about myself. It violates what I consider to be one of my core virtues.

So I must stop. I must. I cannot continue to pepper myself with self loathing.
It is acute.
It is unhealthy.
I'm calling it out in the open. It can't live in the shadows anymore. This is not how I would speak to anyone I love, care about or even simply know. And if I wouldn't do that to someone else, why on earth is it okay to baste April with it?

It's not okay.

I won't blame this on 2016 - LOL - I'd like to but I own this.
As it's owner it's my responsibility to figure it out and fix it. Or at least try to fix it. 

@leo.christopher #LeoChristopher