 Wheel of Body Pos. It's like a game. Most of the time I live here. In this space. Solving the puzzle. Helping others to. I kindly dispute friends who shame themselves. I stand arm in arm with other like minded women.
I posted back in November about becoming stuck in a cycle of self-loathing that was bleeding through to everything in my life. I constantly struggle with the feeling of regret, this notion of shame that I allowed myself to be obese for so many years. Shame on me for ruining my body. When I function in this space, I'm barely functioning. I can't take a compliment. I see everything through a clouded, dirty lens. It takes over everything. I'll get to my point. If you think that having weight loss surgery is the "easy" way to take off lots of weight, you just could not be more wrong. This mental combat is real. I don't expect you to understand it. If I pause after you compliment me, it means I'm digging really really deep into my vulnerability to accept your kind words because I'm really struggling to believe your words are true. Dirty lens. The good news, I'm working hard on feeling better. I'm 24 days into Whole 30 and ran for 10 consecutive minutes on my treadmill today. My BMI is nearly 20 points less than it was 2 years ago. I didn't put make up on when I visited friends on Sunday night. I am really, truly trying. I find it hard to write when I'm doing really good. This itch to discharge discomfort often comes in the form of a blog post. But honestly, that is why this exists at all. If you are reading this, it's a total fluke. If it touches you in any small way, then awesome. My currency is me - not what this body looks like - so with that may I buy an E?
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